


my eyes say i'm ready (but i know i'm not) - a.h. & s.r.

by ativanreid



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aaron cheats on Haley, Aaron is a kinky mf, Bottom Spencer Reid, Eventual Smut, Gideon is lowkey Spencer’s dad, Hotch kinda hates Spencer at first, M/M, Spencer is kind of a dom with girls ahaha, Spencer's first year (2003), Top Aaron Hotchner, elle x spencer.., kinda angsty, so is Spencer though, szn 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:47:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 6,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25370374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ativanreid/pseuds/ativanreid
Summary: "you know you mean the world to me, right?" aaron mumbles into spencer's skin."i know."
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Comments: 21
Kudos: 170





	1. rhapsody in blue

_**august 22nd, 2003** _

a fresh face. new. a twenty-one year old kid in the place of everyone who practiced and trained for this spot. this coveted profiling job. something that you have to be in pristine physical and mental shape for. 

maybe gideon should've thought it through one more time. 

one more nauseating time. 

he'd mulled it over since the kid was graduating with his first Ph.D when he was sixteen years old. gideon knew that he was already getting all those job offers and phone calls from other government agencies and private contractors. the first time gideon met him, he was thirteen. just started at mit. he hadn't looked much different than he does today.

* * *

spencer wakes up at five in the morning. he's not a morning person. never has been, never will be. getting up at five gives him room to lay in bed for another hour, debating on whether or not he should actually go to work or not. 

_work being college._

but not today. today is spencer's big day. the first day at quantico. first case. he'd been called in by their communications liaison, agent jennifer jareau. her voice was nice to spencer's ears at such an early hour. 

_"just be here as soon as possible,"_ she'd said. guess that means he doesn't have time to mull over his decision.

* * *

aaron isn't happy. he usually is, even if his face doesn't show it. he's not happy with gideon, specifically. hiring this kid straight out of the academy when he has no physical or firearm training? stupid. that's the only word he can think of. aaron has met spencer once. gideon has been recruiting him since he was thirteen years old. eight damn years of training him to think like us. a knock on aaron's door brings him out of his paperwork and angry thoughts. a lanky kid stands in front of him. 

_not a kid,_ aaron has to remind himself. 

"h-hi, i'm doctor s-spencer reid," the man in front of aaron's desk stuttered. aaron silently curses, but holds his hand out nonetheless. spencer just looks at the hand being presented to him. 

"sorry, i don't do handshakes. germs," he sighs nervously. aaron just nods, offering him a seat. 

aaron thinks he's at his breaking point. 


	2. there is no love here and there is no pain

**_september 30th, 2003_ **

he's on his sixth week. exhausted is the only word spencer can ever think of anymore. he's started drinking coffee. _coffee._ he'd never had more than a frappuccino from the coffee shops he used to frequent in college. he has to put spoonfuls of sugar in his coffee to make it taste bearable. morgan just laughs at him for it. tells him he'll get used to the burnt taste and that everyone steals coffee from gideon's office. 

spencer is usually a stickler for rules, but coffee is just one thing he'll have to sacrifice rules for. he knocks on gideon's office door, waiting for him to say _"come in!"_

after he signals spencer in, he goes back to reading his case file he had been before spencer came.

"i need coffee," spencer mumbles, walking over to his coffee pot on the back desk. gideon always comes in clutch with the good coffee. specialty blends, shit like that. gideon just chuckles, sliding his glasses back over his nose. 

"sit down, talk to me," gideon declares, offering spencer the couch beside his desk. spencer sighs, flopping down on his couch. 

"i can't get my mind to shut the fuck up," spencer offers. gideon just snickers a little, nodding. gideon understands almost everything about what spencer is going through. rapid thoughts. never being able to just have some goddamn peace and quiet. 

"what are you thinking about?" gideon asks. spencer isn't one for just giving up information. he tried going to a therapist after he admitted his mother to bennington, but he just couldn't bare his soul to someone he didn't even know. talking about statistics and talking about his feelings are two totally different things. he cannot tell gideon about his fucking feelings and thoughts he's having. 

"i know that look. spencer, i've known you for eight years, i know when you're going through something. who or what is impairing you?" gideon pleads with him. spencer meets gideon's eyes, then looks away quickly. gideon has seen spencer through a boyfriend who ended on bad terms and he wasn't surprised on anything spencer had told him anymore.

"hotch," is all spencer whispers. gideon just sighs. jesus christ. now he knows why spencer can't get his mind to be quiet. 

* * *

all gideon can think is "why?" 

why does spencer get himself into these situations?

backtrack that. 

spencer doesn't get himself into these situations, but rather his subconscious. 

"you can either choose to push down and ignore your feelings or you can tackle them straight ahead. next week, i want you to come back to me and tell me what you done. if you tackled them straight ahead, congratulations, you either made a fool of yourself or you didn't. if you push them down, explain how sad you think you'll be in a month. a year. ten years."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these chaps r short i Know but im getting there i promise 
> 
> tumblr: hannibalslut


	3. be a body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> based on s1e1 extreme aggressor.

_**september 2nd, 2005** _

aaron’s alarm sounds at six in the morning.

he gives himself about fifteen minutes to get ready. he picks his suit out the night before so he can hurry and put everything on after he brushes his teeth and fixes his hair. 

  
_/call from spencer reid/_

  
the two of them have been working together for two years now.

aaron doesn’t hate him as much anymore.

actually, he doesn’t hate him at all. 

“hotchner,” aaron answers. 

he wonders why spencer is calling at such an hour like this. he’s changed his sleeping schedule since he started here. doesn’t get up at five anymore. he barely gets up when he’s supposed to come into work.

“hey, i’m not coming in today unless we have a case. do we?” spencer declares. aaron refrains from asking spencer why he’s not coming in. only because the behavioral analysis unit does have a case today.

seattle strangler has arose again. 

“sorry, but no time off. jj called a couple minutes ago to inform me about the seattle strangler,” aaron informs. spencer’s groan comes across the speaker loudly. aaron laughs a little, looking over at haley. 

“you can have time off after we get done. bye, spence,” aaron sighs, snapping his phone shut. 

“you okay?” haley inquires. aaron puts on his best fake smile and nods. 

“of course. i gotta go, okay?" she nods, smiling up at him. she's so in love with him but aaron isn't even sure what he wants anymore. he kisses her goodbye nonetheless, grabbing his sidearm from the bedside table and sliding it in his hip holster. he'll get the second one at work. 

* * *

spencer likes aaron. he has since his first day here. but aaron is married.

to a woman.

whom he has a child with.

he's stupid. 

aaron is the straightest male he's ever met. biggest alpha male. more than morgan. 

spencer clutches onto his messenger bag as he steps onto the elevator. he sees someone running towards it in the distance, so he sticks his arm out to hold the door. as the man comes into view, he realizes it's hotch. spencer just thinks that he can never catch a damn break. hotch steps on, thanking him for holding it open. the two men stand in the elevator in silence until they reach the second floor.

"if you don't mind me asking, why were you going to take off today?" hotch questions to spencer. spencer meets his eyes, but breaks contact quickly. 

"just some personal time. nothing serious. so, the seattle strangler?" spencer asks. 

_i hate when he does that,_ aaron thinks. 

"um, yeah. the seattle strangler. also, don't change the subject. i worry about you sometimes. you never take personal time off," aaron mentions his last words quietly. spencer just keeps his eyes level with the floor, careful not to look hotch in the eye. the elevator chimes when the two of them get to floor five. academy classrooms. 

"see you in a minute," spencer brushes past hotch with an ill feeling in the pit of his stomach. he doesn't need to be worried about. he's a grown man, for god's sake. spencer continues his walk down the lengthy hallway to gideon's lecture hall. 

he peers in the window of his room, admiring him as he talks about a case. 

_the footpath killer_ is his main subject today. he gave a profile to the virginia state police over a year ago. still haven't caught him. 

"excuse me," gideon says to his class after he sees that spencer had quietly entered. spencer hands gideon a case file with the seattle strangler's victims and a preliminary profile of him. 

"four victims in four months," spencer explains to gideon as he enters his office. he sees morgan and hotch standing around, looking at the papers tacked up on his walls. spencer had helped with that. 

_"no, spencer- spencer! look at me, that doesn't go there!"_ gideon had said to spencer as he spent an hour or more tacking and taping papers up, only to have them taken down and put in a different order. jason was just weird like that. spencer liked to compare himself to gideon sometimes. in reality, they're the same person, but different amounts of life experiences. 

gideon had been through so much in the past six months. boston had turned him into a different man and everyone could tell. spencer could the most, though. he spent most of his time with gideon at work. helping him grade papers, come up with lesson plans. he even co-lectured one day. 

spencer would always be eternally grateful for someone like gideon. he acted as spencer's stand-in father. 

william reid was someone who would always live at the back of spencer's mind. he'd wished that he could just forget about everything his father had ever done to him, but he has an eidetic memory. 

damning thing to have when you have so many bad things happening around you. 

spencer listens in to hotch, morgan, and gideon hypothesize about the unknown subject. 

"he never keeps them for more than seven days. that means we have fewer than thirty-six hours to find her alive," hotch explains to gideon. 

gideon has always been a lifeline for everyone on the team. like a therapist. he knew the answer to everything you asked him. just like spencer. though, gideon provided more answers to deal with life rather than statistics. 

"you ready?" morgan proposes. gideon chuckles a little, then looks over at spencer. as to say, " _what do i do?_ "

"looks like medical leave is over, boss."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all my chapter titles are song lyrics/titles so look them up if u wanna immerse urself in my music taste  
> also im having so much fun with this story!!!! look forward to frequent updatesssss
> 
> tumblr: hannibalslut


	4. rush of blood to the head

_seattle, washington_

the team drudges into the hotel, tired from their plane ride and the long day of work. on this case, it was only the four of them, so they just decided to double up one rooms. when jj goes with them, they're usually all lucky enough to get their own rooms, but not this time. hotch approaches the three men sitting down on the lobby's rather uncomfortable couch. the quartet had already picked room partners. hotch and spencer somehow got put together. 

_"you know i love you, but you're a horrible roommate, pretty boy,"_ is what morgan had told spencer. spencer just rolled his eyes and looked over at aaron. 

you could see the boyish cheer in aaron's eyes if you looked into them enough. spencer's eyes didn't have the same charm as aaron's. he was purely dreading this week. once you're settled into your room for a night, there's no switching rooms. no matter how much you beg gideon. gideon hasn't and never will give a fuck about sleeping arrangements. 

aaron, however, is a little more understanding.

while gideon was on medical leave, aaron had to keep things under control. even though the field team was just spencer, derek, jj, and himself, he still had lots of things to keep running smoothly. when on cases away from home, he usually didn't mind if jj, spencer, and derek hopped rooms every night. 

if gideon were to see that, he'd have a heart attack. 

gideon was a stickler on rules. so was hotch. and spencer. 

but tonight, hotch wasn't sure if he cared. 

* * *

spencer pushed the key card into the automatic lock on the door, turning the door knob when it turns green. hotch lingers behind him and spencer can't help but think about what he's going to do when they enter the room. spencer goes to the bed closest to the window, sitting his messenger and his travel bag on it. aaron takes the other bed, also sitting his bag down. 

spencer flops down on his bed, laying on his back. he stares up at the illuminated ceiling and listens for aaron to fucking do something. 

after five minutes, spencer raises up to see if aaron was kidnapped or just decided to very quietly go into the bathroom. 

he's done neither of those things. he's passed out asleep. didn't even take his shoes off. spencer rises from his position, walking over to hotch. 

"aaron," spencer whispers in his ear. he jolts awake, mumbling incoherently. spencer just giggles, watching him raise up.

"what, spence?" hotch mumbles, grabbing at spencer's shirt. it doesn't take much for hotch to pull spencer down to his level, speaking as he may weigh a good 140 with barely any muscle index and hotch is pushing 180. hotch sleepily presses his lips against spencer's, only for spencer to quickly pull away. hotch quickly wakes up, then. he doesn't know whether to apologize or keep going. spencer just looks so fucking beautiful. his pupils are blown, his lips are slightly parted, his cheeks firey red. 

"what the fuck," spencer whispers to himself. hotch averts his gaze to the bedspread, knowing he's fucked up big time. spencer quickly stands from his seated position, only to start pacing. 

"you have a wife! and a child! and you just decide to fucking kiss me?! now?!" spencer exclaims. aaron takes a deep breath as his eyes meet spencer's. guess this would be a good time to tell spencer, "hey, i'm not in love with my wife anymore and i'm bisexual!"

"i'm sorry," aaron sputters. spencer has that look in his eye. oh, he's pissed. 

"that's all you've got?!" spencer's trying to keep his voice down, he really is, but he honestly can't at a moment like this. spencer's been in love with this man for two goddamn years and now he's deflecting. he bottled up his feelings and now he's miserable. gideon is right about everything. the mind can only take so much and this was spencer's breaking point. spencer looks aaron in the eyes and feels himself soften up. jesus christ. aaron's tired and energized all at once and he doesn't think he can take much more of it. 

he's in love. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooo drama
> 
> tumblr: hannibalslut


	5. daddy's got a gun

spencer wakes to a cold and empty bed. nothing. just him and two pillows and his sheets. jesus christ. spencer thinks he's in hell. 

he snapped at hotch last night, which got him nowhere. hotch _left._ he left the room. just spencer with two beds and a bathroom. he's not really sure where he went. 

honestly, he doesn't really care.

he just cares about his own wellbeing right now. 

spencer's alarm won't go off for another hour, but he has things he needs to do. 

_locating hotch being one of them._

he picks his handheld up from the bedside table, flipping it open. 

_one new message!_

_message from derek morgan!_

_derek:_ he's in our room. don't freak out. gideon told me about it once hotch came in here. thought i was going to beat his ass, but gideon held me back. call me 

_received at 2:46 am_

had it been that late? spencer really didn't get any sleep.

 _spencer:_ fuck. 

_sent at 5:11 am_

* * *

aaron knew he had fucked up as soon as he entered the hotel room he and spencer were sharing for the week. he should've known spencer would react like that. he doesn't know why he didn't react. he was stone-faced as always. no sign of remorse for betraying haley. none for somehow betraying spencer. 

nothing. 

he loves spencer, maybe that's why he's in such a haze.

maybe he truly loves haley and he's just confused. 

god, he'd give anything to know the answers to those hypotheses. 

he sits up straight from his position in morgan's bed he'd so graciously shared. he has to talk to spencer. he goes to pick up his handheld from the bedside table and realizes it isn't there. damnit. left it in the room. now he really does have to go back in there. 

"what're you doing?" jason asks groggily from his bed. aaron has his hand on the door handle, sighing. 

"going back to my room, jason," he whispers, turning the handle to exit. 

room 423 was on the next floor up. he walks with his shoes in his hand, looking like he's just gotten lucky and now he's sneaking out. 

in a way, he did get lucky, but only for about .2 seconds. as he took the elevator up to the fourth floor, he couldn't help but think about yesterday morning. spencer was acting weird on the way up to gideon's office. really weird. he had asked morgan about it, but of course, he was no help. spencer is too closed off. maybe aaron can help with that. he slides his key card into the door, waiting for the light to turn green. once it does, he pushes the door open and enters the room. he sees spencer sitting on his bed in nothing but a sweatshirt and a pair of boxers. 

aaron thinks he might just pass out. 

"i'm in love with you," aaron blurts out as spencer stares at him. why doesn't his fucking brain work?

"no you're not," spencer smiles. spencer just thinks that hotch is confused. he's a married man, for god's sakes. he's not in love with him because spencer knows that no one could possibly be in love with him. he's not built for someone to love him. he loves everyone so fucking much, but no one reciprocates. they never have. he likes to blame it on his father leaving him at such a young age. 

"yes i am! spencer, i am so in love with you and i think i have been since the first day we met and i don't know what to do about it! i have a wife and a child on the way and you don't love me back. i'm a fucking moron and i think i should just leave!" aaron declares. spencer just stands there. he doesn't know what to say.

for the first time in his 23 years, he does not know what to say. hotch just _confessed his love_ to spencer. 

spencer finds himself smiling. genuinely smiling. for the first time in months.

"don't leave," spencer finds himself pleading to hotch, his body taking him across the room to aaron. he grabs on to his wrist, pulling it back. 

at this point, aaron is smiling like a high schooler who's just had his first kiss. he looks down at spencer and the breath is knocked out of him.

skin and bones. 

beautiful. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't expect these two lovebirds to stay this happy hahahah
> 
> tumblr: hannibalslut


	6. deep blue love

clashing lips and teeth leave her breathing heavily with lust. she didn't know he was this good. he looks 15. elle lets out an embarrassing moan as he sucks on her neck. spencer just smiles against her neck, leaving open mouthed kisses as he comes back to her lips. she'd just put in for the position at the behavioral analysis unit, but didn't tell spencer.

she wanted it to be a surprise.

it's not like they'd ever date, anyways. not her type. 

she could've went with someone like morgan, but he would never. 

she'd expected spencer to stutter something out that sounded like a no, but he had been surprisingly confident. 

_"want to come back to my room?" spencer solicits. elle just nods, taking the hand he has stretched out. rough case?_

she didn't ask about the case. she just met the guy, why ask about his feelings now? 

he pushes down on her chest to make her lay down so he can lean over her to attack her neck even more. who knew spencer liked giving hickies this much?

"jesus, you're better than i thought," elle breathes, laughing. spencer lets out a fake laugh, kissing her again. 

* * *

over before it even started. spencer didn't want her and elle didn't want him. they mutually agreed to not talk about it when she got to washington. he came out to her and said he was pretty much in love with someone else and is just pissed. she said she was bored. he was just glad that she understood. most women would storm out and never speak to you again if you said something like that. she's rational. he enjoyed that.

he looks up, seeing hotch meet his eyes. 

"you met elle?" hotch inquires. he'd seen the small bruise marks on his stomach, thinking nothing of it until he saw the two of them talking in the hotel lobby. he couldn't get pissed at him. he couldn't fathom the amount of pain spencer had been in all those times haley had visited the office. it took aaron two years to figure things out with spencer and his feelings. two agonizing years of, "is this the right thing?". 

his father instilled religion in him from the time he was born. abused him because that's what God said was right. left scars on his back and legs from the whippings and lessons. 

lessons, he called them. 

he'd never do that to his son. 

"yeah, i did. she's nice," spencer whispers, clearing his throat. derek and gideon were asleep at the back of the plane, leaving aaron and spencer awake. 

spencer could sense something was wrong. aaron's posture was tense, his back straight as a rod. spencer focuses on him, watching the small movements he makes every once in awhile.

"what's wrong?" spencer finally asks. hotch just looks up, resting his arms on the table in front of him. spencer reaches out, grabbing his hand that's turned up. his fingers grace over his palm, hotch finally taking the thin, nimble fingers and lacing them with his own. 

"i can't be mad. you and elle," he finally acknowledges. spencer just sighs, letting go of his hand. he stands up, sliding in the seat beside aaron. he latches his hand back onto hotch's, leaning into his side. they have a view of gideon and morgan, sound asleep. hotch breathes in to spencer's hair, faintly smelling his shampoo. sandalwood. spencer leans further into his chest, almost laying over his lap. 

"thank you," aaron whispers. spencer cranes his neck to look up at him. 

"for what?" he asks. 

"for being you. just- yeah," aaron breathes.

"yeah. i know," spencer says quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> betcha didn't expect that to happen huh  
> also i need a beta there's probably so many mistakes in here  
> update i ordered a bunch of pictures while writing this
> 
> tumblr: hannibalslut


	7. jesus christ 2005 god bless america

special agent jennifer jareau.

jj. 

jennifer to him. she'd always be jennifer. 

he watches her pass through the bullpen on her way to hotchner's office and back to hers. 

she passes through his mind all the time. he wonders if he does enough for her. if he's ever wronged her. 

he overthinks everything. he overworks every theory he's got and won't let it rest. the only people who can knock him from that overthinking and anxiety is jennifer and aaron. the only two people who have really been here these past few months and weeks.

he'd include gideon, but the two of them drift apart and come back too much. they're alike minds in different bodies. 

spencer enjoys thinking about how he and jennifer are somehow soulmates. they understand each other. there's not been a time where either of them have thought _am i doing too much?_ or _am i doing enough?_ because they always do enough. they're separate entities bound together through time and space. 

* * *

she's gotten the furrowed brow and bitten lip. 

"jennifer?" he inquires. she looks up, then right back down. fine, then. spencer rises from his swivel chair at the table they're working up a profile at. as he walks down the san diego precinct, he looks up at the walls. bland and beige. 

_very gideon._

he passes officers in uniforms and thinks about how that could've never been him, but it is in some way. he would never be enough physically and honestly, he's alright with that.

 _cops are another breed,_ he thinks. alpha males all fighting for the same spot in whatever fantasy they've created in their head. in reality, all they do is patrol the roads and cause nothing but more trouble. 

as he loses himself in his hatred for cops, his phone vibrates in his pocket.

_call from aaron hotchner_

"hey," spencer answers. he's not prepared today. whenever aaron calls him, he's either the smoothest motherfucker you'll ever meet or he just panics. flat out panics. today, he's the first choice, as he usually is. 

"i'm going back to quantico. something came up with jack. do you want to come with and consult from the office? garcia would love the company," that's just a backwards way of telling spencer he's off the case. aaron had felt uncomfortable with spencer being on the case since it passed across his desk, but he couldn't say anything without being suspected. all the victims have looked exactly like him. light brown hair, brown eyed, skinny boys who have been stabbed to death. the little voice in the back of aaron's head is telling him that it's about spencer. the unsub somehow knows that aaron is in love with him and is killing surrogates in his place to get at him. 

_breathe_ , aaron has to repeat that to himself every time he looks at a new body. 

"so you're taking me off the case? just say it if you are," spencer mumbles angrily. he's been treated like a kid for his entire fucking life. he just wants one time where he's told that it's okay to take the risk. 

"spence, it's- it's not like that. they just- _they_ _look like you._ all of them," aaron stutters. he cares too much. cares too fucking much about a kid almost 15 years younger than him. 

"okay. i'll call gideon," spencer likes to think he's in love with this man. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spencer really said acab 
> 
> sorry for not updating recently! i've had lots of things going on in my life sooo
> 
> also this chapter is kinda all over the place so give constructive criticism 
> 
> tumblr: hannibalslut


	8. bloody heart of paradise

_the plane feels empty,_ spencer thinks. just the two of them in the metal tube. spencer leans on aaron's chest, aaron's arms around him. spencer cranes his neck up, looking aaron in the eyes.

"what's wrong, honey?" hotch inquires. spencer just sighs, kissing his jaw. spencer wants to tell him everything that he knows. bear his soul to this man. 

"i love you," he whispers languidly, as if he's intoxicated. 

that's the first thing he's doing when they get home. 

aaron just smiles at him. spencer takes ahold of his left hand, rubbing over the callus where his ring usually sits with the pad of his thumb. 

"love you," aaron tells him. divorce. he wants a divorce. 

* * *

spencer's knees lean against the door in aaron's car as he holds a bottle of chardonnay. aaron holds his free hand across the console as they listen to the blaring music coming across the speakers. spencer turns into a different person when he's drunk. he's hypersexual and loud and everything aaron wants right now. spencer brings his face to aaron's, giggling when aaron kisses his nose. spencer presses his lips onto aaron's, sliding his tongue in between his lips slowly. spencer breaks their kiss, motioning to the backseat. aaron nods, opening his door to step out. he laughs, seeing spencer fumble his way to the backseat from the passengers. 

"you're okay?" aaron asks, shutting his door as he steps in. spencer nods, taking another drink of his wine. 

the two of them are in a parking lot of a store that hasn't been open in twenty years.

perfect way to commemorate the first time.

aaron grapples onto spencer's curls at the back of his head with one hand and rests on the rising bulge in his pants with the other. spencer just smiles against his neck as he reaches for aaron's belt buckle.

"you always wear these goddamn suits. wear a tee shirt or something," spencer mutters. he pops the button on hotch's pants, pushing them down to reveal the black boxers. aaron just smiles, gripping his hair tighter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> go listen to pin by grimes it's a religious experience  
> also i have a thing for hotch calling ppl honey  
> sorry for the short chapter, i just wanted to get a little something out there :)
> 
> tumblr: hannibalslut


	9. whitehouse road

_december 15th, 2005_

it was a mistake, spencer tells himself. he let his guard down and it happened. 

love is never enough. 

a man like aaron will never understand someone like spencer. it's not possible. they're too different. 

_two weeks earlier_

"i can't be with him! he's impossible! i'm impossible! maybe i'll just quit my job, cut all my hair off and become a recluse!" jennifer exclaims, laying over on spencer's chest. 

_i told you so_ , is all spencer can think. it never works out with the guys at the bar who coincidentally work where you do. he'd know. 

"whatever, i'll just dump him," she sighs. spencer hears his phone vibrate on the table in front of him. he ignores it, staying on the jj situation. 

"how's hotch?" she asks, taking a drink of her newly poured third glass of wine. spencer likes playing bartender. it's all science and math. fun to him.

spencer just scoffs, picking his phone up to see who he ignored. 

perfect. 

"a fucking asshole," he smiles, kissing her cheek before standing. maybe he’d call him when jennifer leaves. say he’s sorry for something he didn’t do. spencer just scoffs at himself as he pours part vodka and part sprite into a glass. 

“he yelled at me,” is all spencer says to her. her eyes widen as she studies him. 

“um, what did he say?” she asks. ‘what didn’t he say?’ spencer thinks. 

“that he regretted fucking me. he regrets telling me he was in love with me because he actually loves haley. he also told me that it would never work out because ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ also applies to us. i left his place crying, jj. crying. i don’t cry!” spencer rattles off. he watches her hands clench into two small fists at either side. 

_maybe i’m in love with him. maybe i’m just bored_ , spencer had thought. he’s bored. that’s the only explanation. 

“are you okay?” simple question. three words that hold too much meaning. spencer looks at her, then back down to the glass. he debates on downing it or smashing it. 

the latter sounds good. 

he slams the drink down on the floor, tears pricking at his eyes. 

“not good,” she whispers. 

spencer just laughs, picking up the tiny tiny shards of glass with his bare hands. 

“it’s good to feel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave comments on how u want me to end this story bc i don’t have anything in my mind 
> 
> tumblr: hannibalslut


	10. a summertime kind of way

his belt buckle presses into spencer's upper thigh, leaving a searing mark, along with an indentation of whatever the hell is on the man's belt buckle.

 _it's wrong_ , spencer thinks. 

that's the rational brain. 

the irrational brain is telling him to go ninety on the freeway and jump the train tracks. 

so he does. 

spencer studies at the crucifix necklace placed upon the man's chest. roman catholic.

_fucking new yorkers._

the man panting above him yanks spencer to the end of the bed, sliding his hands under the smaller man's thighs. spencer fixes his ankles around the man's waist, finding a comfortable spot for the both of them. 

" _hotch_ ," spencer sighs. aaron just leans down, kissing spencer's neck and mumbling something incoherent into it. spencer thinks that he'd take this time to do some breathing exercises because why the fuck not?

he breathes in deeply, then exhales exactly seven seconds later.

aaron stares down at spencer, looking deep into the honey brown eyes before him.

"what's wrong?" he asks, studying spencer like he's some exhibit in an art gallery. his body language and face in general tells aaron he's nervous.

"nothing. keep going," spencer snaps. aaron just nods his head, leaning down to kiss spencer again. the two kiss for awhile until aaron just can't fucking take it. he disconnects himself from spencer, staring at his lips. 

"tell me what you want," he asks too much of spencer. he knows he does. he uses him. for knowledge, sex. everything. 

he'll never leave her. 

"to tell me you love me," spencer whispers. aaron sighs, burying his face in spencer's hair and kissing down. 

"show me," spencer demands, pulling aaron down by his chain.

 _i'll show you_ , aaron thinks.

he kisses him deeply as spencer continues to mess with aaron's chain he's wearing.

_useless wearing it._

spencer allows his body to go limp for aaron. lifeless figure. like the man on the fucking necklace. 

spencer knows. he knows aaron won't admit anything to him. or haley. god fucking forbid she finds out. 

"tell me if you need to stop," aaron sighs, grabbing spencer's cock in one hand and his own in the other. the corner of spencer's lip turns up a bit as hotch works himself and spence. 

_fucking cocktease_ , aaron thinks

spencer is half hard as aaron strokes him, soon getting fully hard, precome pearling at the tip. 

he kisses down spencer's chest, the necklace dragging down as he goes. 

spencer pulls his hand up from aaron's hip, pulling and almost clawing at the chain. 

"rip it," aaron breathes

fuck.

spencer doesn't even think twice.

he yanks hard on the necklace, watching it fall into a million little pretty pieces. the fucking thing was glass. 

spencer moans loudly, his eyes screwed shut and feeling like he will spontaneously combust at any second. aaron pushes himself in, laughing a little as he laces his fingers with spencer's.

"love you," aaron whispers onto his lips.

 _love you_ more, spencer thinks. 

he will never know.

so much love in the world, such little time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can u tell i have a thing for religious allusions lol
> 
> (ps!!!!!! go check out my hotch, spencer, and the fic playlists on spotify!)
> 
> hotch playlist - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1vE6U5cZdcH84a6D4lvoF0
> 
> reid playlist - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1ZlHt4byD8gAwvmt6onAvL
> 
> fic playlist - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1ce40dlRfg7VSucnCAcCV5
> 
> tumblr: hotchnerslut


	11. there’s only one way out

“aaron?” haley calls through the house. she hoists jack other her hip, carrying him down the stairs and into the foyer. aaron looks at her, smiling. he steps over all the toys strewn about the floor, sighing. she kisses him softly, then hands jack off to him so she can pick some of the things up.

he balances jack on his hip, sitting down at the bar stools as he follows haley into the kitchen.

“how was the case?” she asks, leaning her chin on her hands. he just sighs, smiling at her.

he truly loves her. just not in the way she wants. she’s his best friend. she knows every part of him. been there for every part of it.

she’ll no longer be the woman he knows when he tells her. he will no longer be the same man

“haley,” aaron says, getting her attention from jack in the floor. she looks up with inquisitive eyes.

“i’m bisexual,” he says after a moment. she states into his eyes heavily, searching for answers.

she’s not mad.

why is she not mad?

he keeps his eye contact with her, feeling himself tense up in a moments time.

“i really can’t say i’m surprised,” she supplies.

he just nods, dropping his head a bit.

“be honest with me,” she starts

oh, fuck.

“is there someone else?”

oh, god.

she knows.

he stands up, reaching in his pocket and pulling out a neatly folded post it note. he slides it across the kitchen island to her.

her eyes well up with tears as soon as she reads it. her hold on reality has loosened and let her go.

the two of them have been chewed up and spit out.

“i knew, but i just thought it was fucking sex,” she cries. aaron just watches as she cries.

what can he do? comfort her?

_earlier that day_

spencer quickly writes something on a post it, then slides it over to hotch. he reads it, then smiles a little.

gideon studies the two of them quietly from the hallway. the way aaron ever so slightly leans his body in spencer’s direction. the way he looks at him. the sitting across from each other. rooming together.

why was it never clear until now?

_present_

the note read, _“you make it all better, love you.”_

“i knew you were gay and i knew you were sleeping with someone but you had the fucking time to lie to me every time you said you loved me! every time you fucked me and every fucking time you laid in the same bed as me! get your shit out and fucking go to her,” she yells.

go to her?

she didn’t connect the fucking dots?

“he’s a fucking man, haley. i’m in love with a goddamn man.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m almost done with the book and i’m so sad
> 
> also hello haley and drama 
> 
> pls leave feedback/comments i love them and u reading this dearly
> 
> tumblr: hannibalslut


	12. i feel it in my scars

finger to finger. toe to toe. they are connected by the heart strings.

spencer presses his neck up into aaron’s hand he’s holding. aaron doesn’t really know what to do, so he just allows spencer to guide him how he likes.

“just- just hold my neck,” spencer tells him. aaron nods, taking his other hand and putting it on spencer’s cheek. spencer sighs lovingly, leaning up to aaron’s cheek.

cheek to cheek. chest to chest.

they are connected by the spine.

“i love you so much,” aaron finally announces.

 _finally_ , spencer thinks. spencer smiles widely, his face still pressed up against the other man’s.

aaron finally takes his hand from spencer’s neck, cupping his cheek lightly.

“will you stay tonight?” spencer asks in the tiniest voice anyone has ever heard. before nodding, aaron brings him in for a hug.

a bone crushing, skin to skin, beautiful hug.

“you know you mean the world to me, right?” aaron mumbles into spencer’s skin.

“i know.”

and that’s all that had to be said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> v short chapter but i thought it was cutie
> 
> happy new year :) love u guys
> 
> fic playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1ce40dlRfg7VSucnCAcCV5?si=yYE7Rj68T-aAIncgMK1mrA
> 
> tumblr: hannibalslut


	13. announcement

hello everyone

i’m going to be discontinuing this book indefinitely. i’m a student and have many expectations to keep in school, along with turbulence in my life right now. i would love to keep writing this book, but now is not the time for that. 

thank you for supporting me thus far! i appreciate you to an end you'll never know.

thank you. 

\- lux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u :)
> 
> tumblr: hannibalslut


End file.
